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[March 16th ] |
|
'i wish you would take your head out of your fucking ass.'
'you talk out of your ass 24/7, you're a bag of contradictions.'
'i wish i could tape one of our conversations so i could show you how fucking stupid you sound.'
'i basically called back to say that i love you, and i hope you aren't just going to call it quits..'
'yeah, well. we'll see. goodnight.' -click-
take <i>my</i> head out of <i>my</i> ass?
i'm pretty sure my lips are too busy kissing your ass to screw around down there.
...maybe it's one in the same.
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[February 19th ] |
things
of course, as soon as things are getting better-
things crash. again. i crash. again.
ray, anti-depressants don't sound so bad
neither does 34 million dollars
or throwing myself off a bridge
s'only talk
its only stupidity
it's only business
it's only emily
it's only me
it's only nothing
it's only pin-head-sized and i'm sure i'm talking it into a supermassive black hole
i'm trying not to let you know, but i don't know how to act anymore
i get so high
and seconds later, i am so low
bipolar madness, i don't want to call it that, but i don't know what else to call it
i have big problems inside me
nothing is staying sane
even my body is rejecting stability
THERE'S NEVER ENOUGH TIME AND IT'S ALWAYS SO WASTED
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////shescreams, her voiceisstraining
i'm not sure what it is
but we're inches away
she interrupts
or is invited in
and it's like all of you:
your lean; line of vision; earshot
is switched
from me to
her
and i can't get it back
until she's out of
range
from all those things
--
for somebody so honest
you're not being it
my family says
'i haven't gotten any calls,
except for one'
&i tried to get back to you on that one
but
you weren't home
so it's not just
me
i feel horrible,
but i really do miss you
--
back off, bitch.
--
make up your mind
'cause i...
this is a threat.
i'll make it up for you
and all three of us know
how little you like that.
so let me know, 'cause
i can't tell whether you
love
me
or not.
|
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| seven pounds |
[January 21st ] |
my heart starts beating faster and faster, i know she's here
and when i finally... i finally catch sight of her, i can't look away
she sheds her jacket, she struggles with her shoes, i'm struggling not to start screaming, can she move any slower, all i want to do is be next to her-
i stand, i stumble closer, run my fingers along hers, and exit the room
i'm gasping, i felt like i haven't taken a breath in years
and when i turn around the white faced figure in front of me is the most beautiful creature i've ever gazed upon-
but our car-wreak bright eyes meet, and we're both so lost
i can't do anything but grab onto her harder than anyone else could
it's miraculous- can she feel how fast my heart is beating? only hours ago, i felt so dead.
our bodies flush, we're nothing more than a huge mess of tears, white knuckles and 'i'll never hurt you again's
and that damned organ is still pounding, pounding, pounding in my chest
so i take her hand and move away- she emits a gasp like 'NO'- but holds her breath as i press her palm over my breast
& i know she can feel it, she slowly exhales and meets my eyes with the smallest of smiles and a relieved laugh.
i start rambling, but i manage to stop
and the kiss that's shared says more than any words.
& whispered 'i love you's and 'i'm so sorry's fill me up. a warm, tingling sensation is echoing down my whole body
i can still trace every inch of her face with my eyes closed, even as my hands tremble like they've been
it's as if seconds have passed before alix is calling my name from the stairs
she sobs, so i kiss away the pain
but it's as if my heart's stopped again, pinch me 'cause i need to know whether or not... what if...
what if i was just dreaming, what if i wake up when i leave, what if this isn't real
the rest is a blur
i slept last night. after fifty something hours. i still don't know if it was real or not. jessi, please ...
'the consequenses that i've rendered... i've gone and fucked things up again'
'if i knew picasso, i'd buy myself a gray guitar'
'but i found you before i drift away'
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[January 20th ] |
there's nothing left. i really want to never see light again.
all i can do it puke and cry and scream and whisper to my cat in that horrible, emotionless tone.
she doesn't even understand. i don't think anybody but you understands right now.
jess.. i'm sorry. i'd do anything. i'd do anything to have you back.
can somebody please come here and hold me and stroke my head and tell me that things will be okay
i really need sleep. day two and counting.
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[January 19th ] |
( at least we're being civil. )
me:
you can deny it all you want, but i've progressed a lot.
the times when i slip up are becoming more and more rare.
and that's saying a lot, seen as how i am not a hateful person to begin with.
i'm sorry. i'll hold my feelings back until i'm ready to snap- been doing it since i was a kid. my hurt and anger will only come out in snippets of everyday conversation- with a phrase, a word, a tone. or a drunken fist fight.
but negative traits are just that.
i'm building on & trying to fix my flaws. i've been trying to do it since i met you.
but of course- the good goes by unrecognizably, while the bad sticks out like a sore thumb. or sore heart. i don't know if you remember all of the things you said to me last night, but much of it didn't sound like it was coming from somebody who still loved me. it made me feel undesired, insecure, andmore .. chastised than ever before. if you were trying to fight fire with fire, it worked. i sure as hell learned my lesson, but this is an all-time low. you don't want me anymore. so i don't know what you want me to do. jessi: i dont let the good go unregonized, i love it when your sweet to me but its just been getting harder to think of the times you are lately. your right the bad out ways the good, but when you are good your really good, and when your hurtfull , its unbarable, i hate when you talk to me like im a 5 year old kid whos just pissing you off, i hate that tone you use i hate the things you say to me, i couldnt get you to possibly understand how much it hurts when you " let things slip" if you dont mean it why do you say it just to hurt me? i dont get it i used to know you so well, and now when we fight your whole person changes and i dont get it, if you love me and its undying then why do you say things just to hurt and get under my skin. im not trying to be a bitch im just trying to get you to understand why it is that i get upset the minute your angry or somethings bothering you, im sorry to, and im sorry i had to end it like that but it was like you dont understand how much you hurt me :( , i was fighting fire with fire there wasnt anything i could say to get you to understand how i felt and when i did you just said that i was trying to turn it around on you, i wasnt i was just trying to tell you why i was upset, i hate when your like that and i was trying to show you that you wouldnt like it either so clearly you got my point now right you understnd why i hate it, you understand why it hurts now. me: yeah, i understand all right. unfortunately for me, i didn't realize that the bad was outweighing the good. maybe you should have let me know, so that when the time bomb exploded, i would've been aware that you'd been falling out of love / finding reason to break up / whatever with me for quite some time. the dark is not a place i like to be left in. i am the bad guy. i am the monster. we both told me that last night, so what is the problem here. idk what you want me to do. i know my wrongdoings, i said my sorries, i made my promises. you choose not to listen to them. there are many true feelings that surface when i talk like that. i'm usually clueless that it's coming out in a harsh tone, and for that i appologize. but there's probably more meaning behind the words than you'd guess.i just spill over the edge- it happens to the best of us ...even to you. jessi: im glad your finaly showing some remose tho. it proves that maybe you did learn your lesson, i know it was low hunni but teaching is hard and sometimes lessons are better learned the hard way. like i said im sorry it had to be this way, nothing was working. "much of it didn't sound like it was coming from somebody who still loved me. it made me feel undesired, insecure, andmore .. chastised than ever before."- untill i read that i thought that u didnt know how i felt, but now i know that you do understand. clearly the above note proves that i loved you more then anything if i didnt still love you it wouldnt hurt this much trust me on that one. ive been though thousands of break ups and this one hurt the most, this ones got me alllllll fucked up, clearly thats saying something.
'me:
it doesn't change anything but the 'falling out of love' phrase. but you did tell me that you had been, last night, so. i assumed you were being serious.
i'm mentally exhausted and i'm in a ridiculous amount of physical pain. i don't think i can do this anymore, i can't even see straight. is it okay if we talk tomorrow?
jessi:
</div>.i havn't kept you in the dark i let you know last week that i didnt like it. i let you know out front of alixs like three weeks ago. u made me a promise that you'd try and stop hurting me like that when we were standing out front of alix's house. that was a long time ago, i never kept how i felt from you, you knew the whole time, and lets get one thing straight i didnt break up with you because i dont love you nemore, so you can stop saying that i dont! if i didnt love you i'd tell you move on because theres no chance for us nemore i dont feel the same but i didnt say that i said weve broken up because you cant control your mouth when your angry, maybe next time you'll try to express thos "true feelings" in a little less of a harsh way. and not hold them into untill you cant take it and you have to tell me all the things you hate about me to my face. when i spill i dont try to personaly make you feel like dirt, i try my hardest to catch hurtfull things from my motuh before i say them for fear of making the fight worse, i dont ever mean to hurt you and i try hard not to make personal strikes at you, next time your angry do the same, bite your tounge. me: see now, i agree with you. your withdrawl and sarcastc comments are the perfect reaction.
jessi: i never told you im falling out of love with you, i told you that it hurts to love u because the way you treat me. and if you keep it up im not going to for much longer, the more you hurt someone, the less they desire ur bad side, but at the same time its like the more they hurt you, just makes you wanna try harder because once you saw an angle and you'd love to have that person back, the worse things get, the more you desire the good when was i being sarcastic??
these last two were posted at around the same time:
jessI:
i was just being honnest you do have me all wrong :'( im going to sleep now :'( emily: every time you turned into a bitch or was having a bad day. you either completely withdraw from me, which is to 'catch yourself from saying hurtful things' but makes me feel like you don't want me around - or you'll 'harass' me with sarcasm and whineyness until i want to leave the room, which is 'cute' and 'unharmful' in your eyes. but, despite the hurt you caused, i've forgiven you every time you're trying to deal with shit and it hurts me in the process. and you still do it. and it still hurts. and i still tell you. and even in the end, i'm still forgiving you. i don't know if i can stay awake any longer. we need to talk tomorrow, i don't want to debate with you as i'm getting more and more delerious. jessi: im not being withdrawn from you either this is the most ive spilled my heart out to you, this is the closest ive come to being completely dismantled, this isnt withdrawn this is me being completely cut open. " ALL OF MY SOUL IS NAKED BEFORE YOU, BUT WHAT CAN I DO? " I BITE ME TOUNGE OUT OF FEAR OF LOSING YOU, I TELL YOU WHATS SIGNIFICANT, NOT CALLING YOU NAMES AND NOT BEING A FUCKING DICK ISNT BEING WITHDRAWN FROM YOU, ITS ME GIVING A SHIT ABOUT HURTING YOUR FEELINGS, BUT YOU CANT UNDERSTAND THAT, SO MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BITE MY TOUNGE MAYBE I SHOULD TELL YOU WHEN YOUR BEING AN UNREASONABLE BITCH, BUT THEN I'D JUST BE TOLD THAT IM HURTING YOU, EITHER WAY I LOSE. me: you're getting me all wrong.
i know you're not withdrawing from me right now. this is more than we've talked in what seems like months.
and yeah, you hold your tongue. when you feel i've done something wrong or don't know how to word something. but do you know what you're like when you're really upset? having a really bad day?
i do. i already described it to you.
you aren't the only one that's losing this fight. sometimes there just isn't a winner.
jessi: when im upset i still want you around i bite my tounge because i dont want to yell " go away " at you. because no matter what even if im angry as hell i no that im not gonna mean it if i say it, ppl say things they dont mean when there angry, just cuz there angry.i dont wanna hurt ppl just cuz im angry so i try not to say hurtfull things that should not make you feel like i dont want you around. if anything it should make you feel good because at least im not just verbally abusing you cuz somethings wrong with me. i thought i was in the right for not yelling cruel obsinities at you. emily: so instead you fucking ignore me because of your personal problems! that makes just as much sense as me yelling at you for mine.
goodnight jess. we both need sleep. |
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[January 19th ] |
the conquering lion shall break every chain
give him the victory again and again and again and again
give him the victory
the conquering lion shall break every chain
the conquering lion shall break every chain
give him victory again and again and again and again and again and again
give us some victory ya, oh, ya
the conquering lion shall break every chain, every chain, every chain
conquering lion shall break every chain
give us some victory we need some victory, we need some victory
again and again and again and again, give give give some victory
oh, oh,the conquering lion he'll break every chain, everyone of your chains,
everyone of your chains
the conquering lion he's gonna break all of those chains if you just let him
give give him the victory again and again and again and again…
oh, give him the victory
( what do you do. )JESSI STEFF
'i didn't want to choose between having you in my life, or losing you for real, because i've got feelings'.
YOU'RE SO WRONG, YOU'VE GOT ME SO WRONG, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I HATE IT, YOU'RE SO FUCKING WRONG AND IT HURTS
EMILY JEAN
i am going to open the floor and sink into the darkness now.
i'm bleeding and i crave more and more of you
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[January 19th ] |
jessi, call me, please
please tell me that it was just a nightmare
or that things can be fixed
please, i don't know how to do this without you
'i crave more of you with each passing day'
all i want to do is hold you
the cat was a metaphor.
twelve thirty, i finished 'chosen' at four, haven't slept since
i look (feel) like shit. lower than shit. more like bird shit.
is there a bridge nearby?
of course, of all people, you'd get mel.
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[January 19th ] |
i'm sorry you mean so much more to me than a bad day
i am so broken down, so denied, so hurt
i am a bad person. why would anybody want me. how could she even pretend to love me.
why did i let her
cali, i want to die, every time she comes near me all i think of is you and
i'll never say a mean word to this cat again
i never want you to die inside again, i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry
i wonder how long it will be till she finds another me
i wonder if she already has somebody in mind
i am hurting so much,
at least she can do all the things now that i would ask her not toand she wont be held back by me
she wont feel like the bad guy all the time
and every time i speak, it won't hurt her
she was my life.
i want to die
'oh don't you know it's such a drag
you live your life for a heart attack'
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| lmfaolmfaolmfao- i can't stop bawling. |
[January 18th ] |
REPEAT, ANYONE.
"Sometimes blindness finds me and leads me through ignorance, not allowing us to gain experience,
so we become lifeless.
At other times I cover with self pity or work aimlessly through reality, so occasionally I choose to travel alone.But never fulfil my possibility so mostly I attempt to achieve balance, by seeking right knowledge of loving and reviewing and eventually overstanding those many lessons of my life.
You got me caught in a stormy eye world of dreams and I beg to see truth and promises you made to me
now we’ve come so far but my visions of happiness with you in my life I’m afraid and confused
If I was a bird I’d fly.
Now why do I feel so alone knowing I know I have you?and what made you turn around on me
what did I do and when did love feel this way so much pain and misery?
where’s the you I once knew and could ya fly with me?"
( fuck you jessi. )
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[January 11th ] |
what does it take to be a superhero in my world?
make no mistake that these villains always get the girl.
we can escape, and then we'd skate away from all of this
but no one ever does.. she's saying
hey now!
there's a straw dog out in the street,
hey now!
there's chemicals in the clouds,
hey now!
they're calling all the police,
but they won't get to us, no i'll never let 'em get to you
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[January 8th ] |
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today i was invited to brian's birthday party and so i went. it was really nice to see his family again & see maddy! ohgosh she's so big, and so frigging cute! she took to me instantly, which everyone thought was a little weird, but whatever. we played some crazy video game called 'beautiful katamari' [best game ever] and then they walked me home. i'm eating ice cream. i called jessi and was told she was there... sat on hold for what seemed like ten minutes, and then was rudely told: "oops, not here. bye." thanks, evan. i want to do my room. i feel so alone. i h8 this.
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[January 7th ] |
it's snowing outside...
i feel so alone. so, so, so alone.
Cali and Buddy are behaving better. she still pretends to swat at him, and he still gets scared.
i got paid today. i wonder what chelsea's up to.
nobody's home. i feel so alone. i just want to hear a familiar voice, it's okay, it's okay.
baby, wake up and answer the phone.
last night i hungout with frank&josie&brian&ty&emily&shannon&chris...
i'm glad to be reminded that i still have friends, even if they're not always around
i can't stay focused.
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[January 4th ] |
"i'm so tired so obviously i feel retarded
happy new years, ladies. =] hope you all had some good times and made realistic, productive resolutions."
---
i wrote that yesterday afternoon, and i've had four hours of sleep since then
i moved back to my parent's house this afternoon
i feel like shit, i've cried so much that all i want to do is pass out
Cali hates Buddy. idk what to do about it, because i need them to get along
any advice for me? my four month old cat wants to murder my eight year old dog! how do i make them be friends?
oh phoo.
goodnight everyone
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[December 13th ] |
i just feel shitty 'cause that's retarded
just retarded and even more retarded than anything ever
i am sick and nervous and i really need a new circle
nobody [you don't] seems to realize how fucking balled up i am inside
& nausea isn't my favourite feeling
this could be avoided
this could be avoided
this could be avoided
idk 'just because... love pooh-bear' inside a card with a rose printed on it
with our favourite love story of all time wrapped underneath
if that's not asking for her attention [if that way], i don't know what is
really, if tonight turns out like the last thousand times, then. i don't know
i'll probably just smile and say 'i'm sorry' like every other time
show me some respect.
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[November 10th ] |
definition
is not something that a single person has
me, i'm stuck
inbetween trying to do what's right for me, and what's right for everyone else. so
i'm slowly running out of energy [despite my improved sleeping habits].
i'm smoking heavy, i swear that cigarette only lasted a drag.
sometimes
the thickness of the air through my lungs seems like the only compensation for my lack of...
idk
lauryn hill is both my saviour and demise today, i was happy and then i was on the ground bawling
begging her for some answers to these hidden questions
i just can't seem to form words or thoughts and it needs to end because i'm sick of feeling so alone in it
where's jess? does it really take an hour and a half to get home? =[
back's spasming, i've got wicked pain in my muscles. work's a bitch.
i just put this magnifying box on my livejournal somehow and i can't take it off, wtf
i smile at the stupidest things... do i really know what other reaction to have?
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[October 20th ] |
jessica gagnon, you are my everything
i love you i love you i love you i love you
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[October 17th ] |
honestly,
i want to move out into a place of my own
with jessi
obviously haha
and shannon if she's still in
with maybe a cat
just, not a dog
not until summer maybe
i'm very confused and always surrounded,
i haven't got any place for my head
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[September 25th ] |
'orange pekoe? are you sure you want something caffeinated?'
'emily hasn't been laid in a week... i'm sure.'
tomorrow will be four months
we passed the dreaded three months,
and here we are. compromising, passionate, understanding, willing.
i'm like butter.
never have i ever fallen so hard
'i love you.'
'i love you too.'
'more than anything...'
'for eternity.'
the sound of her gasping in aftershock is...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my uncertainties and insecurities waver,
sometimes they're unbearable.
sometimes they've disappeared.
s'almost bipolar, idk what my mood will be next, it's a slap in the face, it's a slap in her face,
but i'm going to make it better, i'll calm down.
this tense, aching, scar-reviving feeling has been lingering for the past two days,
and i need to get to the bottom of it.
honestly? i'm pretty sure that i just feel useless and tired.
unproductive, lazy, tame, ugly.
changes were made to the foundation, but now i've hit a wall.
dumbfounded, confused- what now?
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[July 25th ] |
'well, i'm not paralyzed but i seem to be struck by you; i want to make you move because you're standing still- if your body matches what your mind can do you'd probably move right through me on my way to you.'
'and i can still remember, you know i can still hear your voice
although your silence, your silence still rings so clear.
and do you think, and do you think i would call
just to hear you breathe?
you always knew, you always knew that just one word would dry up all my tears'
infinite
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[July 25th ] |
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disgusted, lonely, i need a friend
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[July 23rd ] |
|
today i hung out with robyn and it was great
gosh, i missed her!
work seemed to take forever
today
because i worked the 11-close shift, and that is the longest shift [there]. eight and a half hours.
i've been trying to call my girl
for
since after word, and alyssa is taking forever on the other line
double you tee eff
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[July 22nd ] |
it's thunderstorming
thursday will be great
baby come hold me- my gut is ripping apart
calmness, come here,
relieve me
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[July 22nd ] |
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'you..'
'i what, baby?'
'you are so fucking amazing.'
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[July 12th ] |
i leave for a cottage in three hours
i'll miss you
wish me luck! [surviving with jessi for a week!]
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[July 6th ] |
nervous, happy
'i'm cute, i'm cute!'
raybaby, i love you
i am happy that i saw you before your departure
livejournal friends,
ruthie,
wifey,
bee,
etc.
i appologize for being so distant,
i can never find the time to sit down and write about myself
i wish that you were just here with me to enjoy this warm summer
and the blue skies that accompany it
the weather's been perfect,
i'm happy happy happy with jess,
feeing guilty and nervous but- better and less than ever.
i still haven't spoken to leisa,
but most of me thinks that she hates my guts, and doesn't want to speak to me
i'm terrified of approaching her- idk what to say.
i'm working full-time
my paycheck this wednesday will be like six hundred dollars-
come to ontario and spend it with me.
my vacation starts this saturday-
jess is coming with my family to a cottage,
michelle is bringing a friend too.
i'm ecstatic and don't want to wait anymore.
bedtime, i'll try to keep everyone more aware
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[June 25th ] |
jessi and i's one month was on sunday.
my weekend was 'nice'.
i've been great lately. i have been working good hours,
and not saving any money lol
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| what captures |
[June 24th ] |
the tintillating growl.. purr in the back of your throat
when you don't get your way
it drains and saturates every single cell of my body..
rousing, igniting, piquing
'you are exactly my brand of heroin'
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[June 19th ] |
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help, i've lost myself... again
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| happiness |
[June 13th ] |
i'm so happy that it's making others unhappy.
is that fair?
i'm pretty sure we all deserve complete and utter happiness whenever it comes to us.
i wish i wasn't hurting you.
please come back and talk to me,
i can't live without you
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[June 5th ] |
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a heavy pill settling into, and then upsetting my stomach
nausea perscribed
symptoms, side effects: clenched teeth, sweaty hands, stiff back, wide eyes
lovers and liars
I DONT FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE UGH
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[June 1st ] |
things have been wild, my eyes are tired and my hands are abnormally empty
i quit smoking today, then forgot that i was supposed to be quitting tomorrow...
so i'm quitting tomorrow instead.
i told mel about jessi and i. she said that her and jessi couldn't be friends anymore...
then she asked me when i was coming to see her! lol
mel's in the hospital, actually. idk much about that so i won't say much
i really hope she's alright,
but i think that she could add ten years to her life by not smoking or drinking so heavily... duh
tremors is on the tv
i'm giggling and thinking about brian and me gushing about this film
buddy loves jess, it's crazy.
today she told me that i was 'incredibly sexy' and i thought
'i need to write this in my livejournal',
cause i've never been called sexy before i don't think
i'm excited for the next couple weeks.
** i have bragging rights at scrabble =P =D
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[May 27th ] |
i 'm dating jessi?
!!!! =]
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[May 20th ] |
i wrote a letter to you today
but it's too late to give it to you
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[May 20th ] |
i can't disregard this
i don't like interruptions
//baaaaaked haha
i'm procrastinating on looking for my work uniform haha
i should be ready by now!
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[May 20th ] |
i can't wait to see indiana jones
i need to figure out some things
i'm just all-over-the-place
i've got school in a bit
i might as well go get ready...
i know i haven't been around. i'm sorry.
but i've been keeping up with my friends pages & whatnot-
i just never really get online long enough to update
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[May 16th ] |
hey! where's the kid with the chemicals?
i thought he said to meet me here but i'm not sure
tonight i'm going to valley park for the carnival!
and i'm partying with people i've never ever partied with,
minus poodle- 'cause we've obviously partied together
i'm excited!
mel found a new reason to stay in hamilton?
wow, that was fast!
not that i give a shit or anything.
sorry.
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| i can't live without you either. |
[May 10th ] |
'I like my body when it is with your body. It is so quite new a thing. Muscles better and nerves more. '
i don't know what to do.
i feel like my heart is tearing apart.
aside:
sam, phantom,
i don't know if you still check friends pages-
but i'm sending you the the part of my heart that is still whole
to make yours stronger
i hope you're okay.
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| i can't stop thinking about you |
[May 5th ] |
when you try your best but you don't succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you can't sleep
stuck in reverse.
& the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?
lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you
and high up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but if you never try you'll never know
just what your worth
lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and a will try to fix you
tears stream, down on your face
when you lose something you cannot replace...
tears stream down your face and i..
tears stream, down on your face
i promise you i will learn from my mistakes
tears stream down your face and i...
lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you.
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[May 4th ] |
'The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed.'
-carl jung, psychologist
'The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.'
-nietzsche
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[April 30th ] |
i'm still alive
...but not by much
how long does one have to eat advil&tylenol until their stomach rots?
i think mom should start hiding pill bottles
because i'm getting non-stop headaches, and i'm taking painkillers every hour.
they're not effective anymore. so i just keep eating advil upon advil in hopes that something
will trigger in my brain, making the pounding stop.
but, i don't know.
am i dying?
headaches can be caused by stress, right?
migranes can also be caused by other things. but
the headaches don't usually feel anything close to migranes, except for the one i woke up with
this morning
man i just don't know what to do,
it's ruining my life, i'm always on edge or feeling overly drowsy,
i just want them to go away. away. away.
suggestions????!??!?!??!
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| do you got ID? |
[April 19th ] |
title: mom+dad+pat+joan discussing the hamilton drug problem
author: echemistry
"free crack pipes....vancouver, where nancy took me...at night they...
covered in scabs, like, ew...16 year old kids...the provincial coin...
they're overwhelmed...she's screaming at me...in the 70's...
speed, so much speed...clawing at my knees...people drift in...
self-perpetuating business...in ottawa...there's no place for these...
go online you'll find tonnes...rehab?...he's got all kinds of stuff, the services...
the business is all government money...wasting...solve the drug problem...
coke to crack...rolled it up to his knees...meth is a problem drug...
i'm an addict...stolen from his grandparents...down the road...
clean and sober...down there five minutes before...centralizing these things...
feed them alcohol...but, then what do they do...it doesn't matter...
eliminate them all...they never used to...not this stuff, there's enough...
you cannot hang around...now they're past...thus allowing you to...change...out of your mind"
money in your pocket
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[April 17th ] |
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" you look like sunshine "
i feel like thunder
i'm just sad and girl, i know you want me to talk to you about it but i can't get over this feeling that no matter how hard i try; i'm gonna end up alone.
so why bother...
just say something to me, fuck, i miss you
and i don't have the nerve to call any more
tell me that we can still be friends
tell me we can be friends.
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[April 13th ] |
| [ |
music |
| |
coldplay - green eyes |
] |
green eyes,
honey you are the sea
upon which i float,
and i came here to talk;
i think you should know
that green eyes, you're the one that i wanted to find
and anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their mind
cause i came here with a load
and it feels so much lighter, since i met you.
honey you should know, that i could never go on without you
damn memories
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[April 13th ] |
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i spent some time at work with a woman who was visiting her husband in intensive care.
she came to the cafe while he was in surgery.
she tells me his chances of living are 1 in 5.
tells me that his family has mostly died off- as has hers.
tells me she won't know what she'll do if he doesn't make it.
tells me that she won't have anyone to tell if he does.
tells me that if he dies, she probably won't make it herself.
she tells herself to stop crying and
tells me i'm the first person she's confided in i'm afraid that no matter how deeply we've invested ourselves in another person, we will die alone.
even more, it scares me to think that i will have to live on without my soulmate.
it's terrifying to think that i might have to live on... completely and desperately alone.
i can't even express this feeling, but it's making me feel emptier and emptier
like these thoughts are drowning out all expression
i don't know man
half of me just wants to die before anything has a chance to happen
and half of me is unsure whether anyone would take notice
stop crying, foolish girl
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[April 1st ] |
i gotta start carrying a notepad i feel sort of out of sorts and man i think i made a really big mistake and i don't know how to rewind and restart, tape over the past 24 hours like nothing happened, nahh, nothing even happened at all so i guess i shouldn't even be writing about it seeing as how it didn't even happen
don't drink jack daniels
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[March 27th ] |
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zombies, please attack
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[February 22nd ] |
slipped on ice.
sometimes it feels like i broke my ancle.
getting lonely inside.
sometimes it feels like i broke my heart.
i feel ridiculous, i'm all ups and downs, maybe ray's coming over,
i don't know,
maybe something else will go wrong.
just, make it stop. push that button. twist that knob.
STOP. ess tea oh pee. s-t-o-p.
i'm sick of being alone and always hungry,
i'm so unimpressed with myself
and with half the people around me
i'm so ready for change,
and so unwilling for it to happen
...i don't know.
there's a few threads holding me together.
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[February 22nd ] |
it's friday night, 6:53pm.
mel's coming over soon,
which i'm happy about.
i'm tired.
burnt out.
i'll have a quiet night, which i dangerously require.
i shaved my legs, but they fucking hurt. it sucks.
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[February 19th ] |
i've never really noticed how cold the first floor is until i sat here half naked,
drinking chocolate milk, homework spread before me,
contemplating how badly i need a cigarette. let me tell you- it's pretty damn cold.
my fingers are shaking as they tap on these silly little keys.
it's sad to think that i'm too nervous to even pick up a pen.
i'm high, but don't worry about that. i'm allowed to be.
i wish i could smoke in my house- i could light up, toss the lighter onto the table.
the ashtray would conveniently be rested on the upper part of the computer desk.
after a few thought-provoking drags, i would slap it in there and fiendishly type a few interesting
sentences in here... then, i'd smoke more. and i'd repeat the process
and continue smoking until my second and third and fourth and twenty fifth smoke disappeared...
...
i could smoke with one hand, handwrite with the other.
that might be uncomfortable; i just immitated the movements to test it out.
try it.
i'm supposed to be writing an assignment for mr. morrisson and have it on the table for
michelle to hand in tomorrow.
did i tell you that i am suspended from school until friday?
if i didn't, then i am.
if i did, then i'm sorry for repeating myself.
jessica said she'd try to book me in to work till friday.
as of today, all the people @ work who i wanted to know, know i smoke pot-
so i'm officially invited into their circle now haha
...
i'm constantly sad, depression falls with the snow, i'm dreading waking up in the morning but
then, i think
i'm loved and in love, mel and i are dating again, i fall asleep wishing i were with her
and honestly? although it sucks to be without her, it's still nice to think about her
she just makes me feel nice in general. // fuzzy.
and robyn and i are very pleasant, i'm smiling thinking about our antics and her infatuation,
it's so giggle-worthy.
honestly? i've got no real reasons to be sad, i just am, and i can't help it.
there's some really shitty things going on, but i should only be angry, not feeling pathetisized.
... y'know, pathetisized. made to be pathetic. in emily talk.
tell me in a word how you've been.
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[February 19th ] |
although it really really sucks,
this morning was worth an additional 3 days of confinement.
got off work late, smoked with craig for a couple minutes, came home.
got yelled at. got homework that's due tomorrow morning. got pukey.
ugh
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